Rule #12: Have Fun!

When most people reach a certain stage adulthood, they either accept the belief or are told to believe that you need to start taking life seriously and put the days of fun and no worries behind you.  Life should now be focused on responsibility for yourself and for those around you.  When we reach our quarterlife years, it is true that we will take on a lot more responsibilities (some bigger than others) for ourselves and for others, but there is often a lost message that’s a pretty important one.  The message that encourages you to have fun and enjoy the journey and these years before even greater responsibility comes your way.  In your twenties, you will gain a lot more responsibility but at the same time you will also have more freedom than you probably will at any other point in your life.  If you take advantage of that freedom by doing your best to enjoy yourself and everything that you’re doing in whatever way you can, then you will find greater fulfillment not only in what you’re experiencing as a twentysomething, but also fulfillment in whatever you do the rest of your life.

Think about all of the best moments when you were younger - the ones that were the most fulfilling and rewarding.  I bet that for most of you, they were moments when you were having fun and just being a kid.  Playing little league, taking dance classes, playing video games, spending time with friends.  Most of the things you were best at and most gratifying when you were a kid were often activities you had fun doing.  Maybe for some of you that even included doing your math homework.  If you were good at math, you probably enjoyed doing it!  It’s really not that different when you are in your twenties, but some of the things you find enjoyable, gratifying and fun have most likely changed.  While your definition of enjoyment and fun has changed, the principle remains the same.  If you do what you enjoy, you will get greater fulfillment out of it and have a better quality of life overall.  Now, this doesn’t mean you should go out and be reckless and irresponsible if that’s your definition of fun.  But the principle should apply to many of the other areas of your life.  Live in a city you enjoy and appreciate.  Hang out with the friends you have fun with and who enjoy your company.  Find a career or job that you can find some aspect of enjoyment from, whether it’s specifically at your job or making sure the job allows you to enjoy yourself outside of work hours.  There is no law that says you can’t have fun doing something worthwhile and productive.  In fact if you’re NOT having fun, you probably won’t do as good of a job with it anyway. 

Entering into our quarterlife years, sometimes we can get consumed with our daily responsibilities that we can forget how to enjoy ourselves, or don’t know how to incorporate having fun into our everyday lives.  A good place to start is to make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing most, then use that to brainstorm activities, hobbies and jobs that you might want to pursue.  You don’t have to immediately change your job because you’re not having fun at it, but if you even just take one day a week to focus on doing something that you enjoy, whether it’s a sport, hobby, volunteer activity or whatever, you’ll see that consciously making an effort to enjoy yourself when you can will bring immense benefits to everything around you.  Wherever you live and whatever you do, there is always a time and a place that will allow you to have fun and enjoy yourself in the midst of your other responsibilities.

In the midst of our daily twentysomething lives, we can often get caught up in what we “should” be doing rather than what we “could” or want to be doing.  In the transition to adulthood, and with all of the responsibilities that accompany it, we sometimes forget that it’s okay to have fun and enjoy yourself even as your adult responsibilities may make it seem like it’s impossible to do otherwise.  If you remember to consciously make an effort to find time to enjoy yourself and have fun, not only in your spare time but also in whatever you’re doing (work, school, etc) than the pressures and responsibilities will seemingly decrease only because they won’t seem like burdens on your life.  It may not always be possible to make everything into a fun experience, but the moments you can find enjoyment from will be the most effortless and memorable experiences you might have in your life.  You’re never too young to have fun, but you can grow too old to wish you had enjoyed yourself more when you were younger.  Choosing to have fun when you can in your twenties will not only make your life easier and more enjoyable, but you’ll also find that you’ll be truly following the wants, wishes, passions and desires of your heart that will make your life more and more fulfilling each and every day.

Rule #11: (Sorta) Listen to Your Parents

Growing up, most of us were often subjected to the rules, wisdom, insight and authority of our parents as they supported, sustained and developed us into capable adults.  The influence our parents had on us (good or bad) throughout our lives as children and teenagers cannot be denied and will continue to have an influence on us throughout our quarterlife years.  As you struggle to form your own adult identity and independence in your twenties, it can be a challenge for both yourself and your parents to balance how their influence will continue to shape you as an individual.  While you’re growing up you may be naive in knowing whether or not your parents know what’s really best for you, but when you become an independent twentysomething adult you can make an informed and individual choice about who to be rather than make choices strictly based on what others want for you.  Our parents will always want to support us to help us be at our best, but in our twenties it’s ultimately it’s up to ourselves to decide how their influence will help us get the most out of our lives.

Relationships with your parents can be one of the most rocky, emotional and rewarding relationships we have in our lives, sometimes even more in our twenties than in our tumultuous teenage years when we were first struggling to gain any independence from them that we could.  It is also a time when we come to understand our parents a little bit more.  We gain some of the responsibilities that they carry, so we obtain a new sense of understanding why they are they way they are sometimes and we can sympathize with their adult experiences for the first time.  For many Quarterlifers, it’s also the first time when you can face full independence from your parents, in many aspects.  It might be the first time you’re living on your own, making your own money that you can support yourself with, or even supporting a family of your own.  Along with this new freedom comes a lot of new responsibility and choices.  With independence comes bills and rent to pay, groceries to buy, dinner to cook, taxes to file.  There are a lot of new challenges you might face and it’s in these times when your parents help and support is always most welcome.  When we need a helping hand, our parents will hopefully be the first ones to extend one, so if they do, don’t be afraid to take it.  It’s in these times when they do have more wisdom and knowledge from experience than we do, so it’s better to be accepting rather than stubborn.  Just make sure to be thank them for the help!

Dealing with your parents during your quarterlife years can also be a struggle because there are often times when they may think they know what’s best for you a little TOO much.  A lot of parents have their own vision for what they want us to become when we reach adulthood, and this can be frustrating to deal with sometimes.  Your parents might want you to follow a specific career, live in a particular city, and date a certain type of person.  More often than not, our own vision for our lives is usually different.  We probably want to work a different job, live in a different city and have a different lifestyle than the one that our parents imagine for us and often this can lead to conflict.  When it comes to the pressure and stress you might receive from your parents, use your own judgment as to how to deal with it.  What’s important to realize is that our parents don’t want us to make the same mistakes that they may have made, or any mistakes for that matter.  However, you need to make mistakes in order to discover your own value of right and wrong and know what is best for yourself.  This doesn’t mean you have to always reject what your parents advise you to do, but it does mean that you are the only one who ultimately makes the choice.  Our parents only want the best for us, so value their advice.  You don’t always have to follow it because at the end of the day only you know what’s best for yourself.  In the end, no matter what choice you make, they’ll always be there to support you.  If you make a decision based on fear of what someone else might think, then that’s always the wrong one.

It’s also important to keep in mind that our parents are of a different generation, and they probably didn’t have it as easy (or as hard) and twentysomethings have it these days.  Most of our parents and adults of former generations got married younger, started families earlier, stayed with jobs longer and might not have had the freedom to pursue passions or careers that many young people do these days.  Our parents have made a lot of sacrifices for us, but instead of feeling pressured to honor those sacrifices by being what they may want you to become, take advantage of those sacrifices by being what YOU want to become.  When that happens, it will reward every sacrifice your parents have ever made for you, and both you and your parents will see that in the end. 

When we enter independent adulthood in our twenties, which usually involves breaking away from our parents in a multitude of ways (financially, residentially, influentially, etc), it can be a liberating and also scary experience.  There will be many times when we want the comfort of their support and guidance, and all we can hope is that it will be there whenever and wherever we need it.  However, it’s also a time when you must embrace the influence that your parents had on you throughout your formative years, and use it to formulate a version of yourself that both your parents and you as an individual can be proud of.  It may lead to some disagreements and conflicts at times, but the best way to honor your parents is to honor the best version of yourself that they helped you become.

Rule #10: Don't Compare Yourself To Others

If there is one thing that can never be debated about living life in your twenties, it’s that no two people will ever have the same experience.  In high school and college, you may attend the same schools, take the same classes, get the same test scores, play the same sports, or have the same friends as someone else, but at some point that will change.  Inevitably, you will leave the controlled environment of school and head out into the “real world” where a million different factors will make your life unique from everyone else’s and shape your twentysomething experience.  As you head down your own individual path, it’s common to look around at other people your age and compare yourself to others who don’t appear to be much different than you are, and are at a point in their lives that may be quite different than the point you’re at.  It just so happens that in our twenties this tends to be the root of some of our greatest insecurities.  It’s in our nature to compare ourselves to others, but if you learn to focus on yourself and not worry about where others are in their lives, then you’ll find that there is a lot more to appreciate about what’s already all around you.

For most twentysomethings, you’re at a point in life when you are struggling to figure out your individuality and your own path ahead, and it can be easy to look around and appear as if everyone else around you “has it together.”  It will happen at times that you will see peers your own age (or even younger) gain notoriety, wealth or success before you.  Sometimes it may even appear that they gained that success by not working as hard as you, or by not paying the dues you might be paying to get ahead.  This can lead to feelings of depression, lack of motivation and an overall feeling that you might be “doing something wrong.”  During these times you might feel frustrated and dejected because life is not exactly turning out as planned for you, but it appears to be working out great for others.   

What is important to realize is that the cause of all of these feelings are our own perceptions.  When things may not be going as we planned in our own lives we tend to look around and compare ourselves with our peers, and this can lead to feeling that a lot of other people don’t have the same problems that you do and are better off than you are.  The truth is that they DON’T have the same problems that you do, but in reality they probably have their own set of struggles and challenges that they are facing.  Let’s take work and careers for example.  Let’s say that you’ve been working really hard at your job for the past two years since you graduated college.  You haven’t moved too far up the ladder at your company, but recently you heard about a college friend of yours that in the same two years has advanced a lot farther at their company and are making double the salary that you are.  This can certainly be quite difficult to see that one of your peers is excelling a lot more rapidly than you are, and you might think that they’re doing something right and you must be doing something wrong.  However, that’s really your own perception.  Yes, they may have a better salary and a higher position at their company, but most likely they probably have challenges and problems that you are not aware of, or would even want.  They might have to work many more hours than anyone else and don’t have much of a social life.  Also they might be under a lot more pressure than you would want if you were in their position.  In many ways, they may even look at you in envy and think that you are more fortunate in what you have going at your job.  Unless you walk a day in their shoes, you’ll never fully understand what someone else’s life is truly like beyond their appearances.

It can be very difficult not to notice and compare ourselves to our peers and see where we are in our own lives compared to where they are.  At times it is tough to feel like we’re doing everything we can to be successful while it appears that others around us are gaining success quicker and more easily.  The solution is to just focus on yourself and do what you can to be content with your own life path.  If you feel like you might not be doing the right thing to get the success and happiness that others appear to have, maybe it’s a sign that you might need to make a change in your life, even if it’s a small one.  However you can motivate yourself to move closer towards your own happiness, then it won’t matter how others around you are doing.  We all have our own mountains to climb, but it just so happens that everyone takes a different route to get to the top.  Some routes may seem easier than others, but if you remain dedicated to your own path that you believe is the right one for you, eventually you’ll reach the peak.

Rule #9: Focus on Relationships (Part 2- Types of Relationships To Focus On)

(Don't forget to check out Rule #9 Part 11!)

It can be argued that learning to form good relationships can be the most important thing you do for yourself when you are in your twenties.  Last week I focused on why building strong relationships is a significant rule during your Quarterlife years.  Not only is it important for those around you, but it is also important if you want to focus on being the best individual that you can be.  Learning how to build a solid relationship with the people around you will not only make your life a lot more pleasant and enjoyable, but from those relationships you will also learn a lot of lessons that will teach you a lot about yourself and how you can successfully develop good relationships in all aspects of your life.

There are many different types of relationships that are defined in your twenties, and it is important to learn what you can from each type.  For most twentysomethings, the most mentally and emotionally consuming (and usually stressful) of these types of relationships are our romantic relationships.  In these relationships, it’s important to find out who and what we like in a person but also to see what we ourselves are like in a romantic relationship.  Dating and developing romantic relationships in your twenties is fun, wonderful and enlightening, but also at times a frustrating, scary and heartbreaking experience.  Yet if you are conscious to learn from all of your trials and tribulations in the dating world, good and bad, you will find out what type of person complements you best and also how you can best succeed in a relationship with a significant other.  It may be difficult to move on from some romantic relationships, but there is always something to be learned about yourself that will make you stronger in the long term.  Most twentysomethings want to end up with the right person (if they plan to eventually get married), so learning how to form strong romantic relationships is especially important to learn and focus on.

Another important type of relationship that is key for twentysomethings to cultivate are professional relationships.  A majority of people in their twenties are entering the working world for the first time, and meeting a lot of professionals, young and old, experienced and inexperienced.  Developing strong relationships with professional contacts can be beneficial to anyone in their twenties for many reasons.  Not only can you develop strong friendships with your co-workers, but you can also build a strong professional network that can guide you along your own career path.  Get to know as many of your co-workers individually as you can.  The ones with experience can share with you their own path and teach you about their experiences, mistakes and successes in the working world.  The ones with less experience can share with you their frustrations and accomplishments in navigating the working world for the first few years as you are.   Creating strong relationships with co-workers and your bosses can also help to find a mentor who can personally guide you through your professional path and provide support whenever you need it.  Even if you don’t plan on continuing with the career you might be currently working in, it’s still advantageous to have good relationships with your former and current co-workers because they can often provide good professional advice and support no matter what industry or career path you may choose.

Along with dealing with romantic and professional relationships in your twenties, it is also a great time to focus on and develop a stronger relationship with your family.  There is a common saying that goes “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”  In our younger years, not every relationship with our parents or siblings was always calm or satisfying.  When we are younger, we are usually struggling to develop our own individuality as our family members are trying to have just as much influence on the individuals we will become, which often leads to clash and conflict.  As we enter into our twenties and further towards adulthood, we become more sensible as adults and can use this time to develop stronger relationships with our family.  We start to see our parents less as overprotective authority figures and can sympathize with them as adults as we begin to share some of the same daily struggles and frustrations that they have encountered for many more years than we have.  If you have solid relationships with your family members, then when you encounter your most difficult moments in your twenties you will always find unconditional support and love to get you through the hard times.  When you break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, lose a job, or have trouble finding your way, it’s your family that will always be there to help you out.  You may not always find that they will give you the wisest or welcome advice, but from them you will certainly find the emotional support that will carry you through any setback.  It’s that emotional support from your family that you won’t get from anyone else in your life, so it’s important to focus on your relationships with your family so that you can always know when to draw on them for the support you need to get you through this unique time of life.

During our Quarterlife years as we are building a deeper relationship with ourselves, it is important to be mindful that we can’t do it alone.  While it is important to create a strong sense of individuality, it is just as important to develop strong relationships with the people around you who can help in your growth as an individual and also make the journey just as rewarding.  With each relationship you enter into, good and bad, there is always something to be learned about yourself and about how you can create even stronger relationships with others.  If you really work to form strong emotional, professional and supportive relationships with the people around you, you will find even greater fulfillment in every other success you gain in your twenties.

Rule #9: Focus on Relationships (Part 1- Why Build Strong Relationships)

It is often said, “No man is an island.”  Meaning, no matter where we go in our lives we will always be surrounded by other people and can never be able to get by exclusively on our own.  Never in our adult lives is this truer than when we are in our twenties.  While it is the first time for many of us when we are often truly on our own, it is also the time when our strongest and deepest relationships with the people around us should and will be formed.  Developing strong relationships with those around us will not only make our lives more fulfilling and complete but will also help to strengthen, define and develop our own individuality.

In our twenties we are always striving to surround ourselves with things to fulfill and define us like a great job, nice place to live, a good car, etc.  A lot of twentysomethings tend to believe that once they are materially secure then the important and fulfilling relationships with friends, family and significant others will follow.  While pursuing individual fulfillment and success, we sometimes neglect to understand that it is our experiences and relationships with the people around us that make everything else in our lives fulfilling.  What is a new job or promotion worth if you don’t get along with your boss or co-workers?  What is a new degree worth if you don’t have a good relationship with your parents to share your pride of getting it with them?  What is a great new apartment or home worth if you don’t have friends to enjoy it with?  If we have strong relationships surrounding us, then all that we work hard to achieve will be fulfilling not only to ourselves but also those closest to us, as well.

Good relationships will also build a strong support system encouraging us as we pursue the success we strive for.  In our twenties we are working so hard to achieve financial, professional and material success that we don’t often realize how quickly that can all change, or even in the worst cases, disappear.  When you do fall, you will be thankful for the people around you that will always come to support you in time of need.  It is in these times when the people we have the closest relationships with will help us rebound even stronger than we were before.

During our Quarterlife years, when we are first trying to figure out a lot of things on our own, we sometimes think that we have the answers to all of our problems, or at least the confidence and the will-power to figure them out ourselves.  While this may be a positive mindset and prove to be true in some situations, what we tend to ignore sometimes is that we are constantly surrounded by people who have probably faced and conquered the same problems at one time in their own lives.  Most of the time, these people are the ones we are closest to in our lives, like our family members, co-workers and other friends.  If you have a strong network of relationships around you, then you will be even more confident in yourself to know when you can face your problems on your own, and when you need to rely on your support system around you.   

Even though we hope that we will always have the courage to face all of the problems in our twentysomething years individually as much as possible, there are also times when we can get quite needy as well, but are usually afraid to call upon our friends or relatives in these times of need for fear of rejection, looking weak, and other reasons that probably aren’t sensible.  It is in these times of need when you will find that the strong relationships you develop will be the most ready, willing, and able to help you get through those difficult times.  If your relationship is strong enough, it won’t even be difficult to call upon them for help because you’ll be confident enough in them to help you when you need it, and they’ll most likely sense that you need someone to rely on anyway.

There are a multitude of reasons why building the strongest relationships possible in our twenties is important.  Good relationships with the people around you will help bring out the best in you, and also help you get through the times when you are at your worst.  There are many kinds of people you will form relationships with when you are in your twenties, and different types of relationships that are important to focus on and to learn from.  Each type of relationship, and every person you form a relationship with will be a great learning experience, which I’ll discuss in my next post.   So please check back in next week when I’ll continue with Rule #9 and continue discussing how to “Focus on Relationships.” 

Rule #8: Have an "Attitude of Gratitude"

For most twentysomethings, it can often feel like there is a lack of pretty much everything: money to spend, an abundance of good friends close by, an easy or fulfilling job, a large and clean apartment along with decent roommates, not to mention a steady or stable relationship.  For every typical twentysomething a few years removed from college there will always be at least one area of their lives that will lead to asking of the question, “Is This All There Is?”  Sometimes it can seem like so much is going wrong in many areas of life, that it’s really hard to see the positive in anything, and especially to be grateful for all that you have in your life right now.  However, what we often tend to forget is that our own world around us is all based upon how we perceive it.  If you think about all of the negative stuff around you, then your world will feel pretty rough.  If you take the good from the bad and have an “Attitude of Gratitude,” then you’ll be guaranteed to have a more positive feeling about what you DO have, instead of what you’re lacking in your life.

The truth is, sometimes there are a lot of things in our current lives that are out of our control.  Maybe you just suffered an unexpected breakup, or you don’t have enough money to go out with friends on a Friday night, or your boss is too demanding, or your rent just got raised and you might need to move.  When you are faced with these uncontrollable situations, it’s easy to look at the negative side or to react in a way that’s anything but positive.  Yet, if you take an “Attitude of Gratitude” you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can turn a negative situation into a positive one.  With a breakup, be grateful that you had the time with that person and that you can find someone who will appreciate you even more.  If you’re not in a great financial situation, be grateful that you have the opportunity to learn how to be responsible with your money.  If you’re boss is too demanding, be grateful that they are trying to push you to be a better worker or make you realize your limits as their employee.  If you’re rent is raised and you need to move, be grateful that you have an opportunity to find a new place that might be even better than the place you’re living now.  While it may seem hard to believe at times, for every situation there is always something to be grateful for if you look hard enough.

Although it is more difficult to be grateful during times that are tough, it’s also important to have an “Attitude of Gratitude” in times that are good, too.  Whenever you are fortunate to have something good happen in your life, be grateful for it and enjoy it as fully as you can.  For some of these good moments, they may be one of the few times they may happen.  Also remember to be grateful for those who help you in those good times.  Even just remembering to say “thank you” more often will make a world of difference to yourself and those around you who are supporting you in the good times and the bad.  Think about the times when you’ve done a good deed or done something helpful for someone else.  If they’ve expressed their gratitude or even just said a simple “thank you,” it’s made you feel pretty good, right?  If you are more thankful to others and appreciate their thanks as well, you’ll feel proud about helping out your friend or neighbor and will be more motivated to help them and others out in the future. 

At times it may seem like everyone and everything in the universe is conspiring against us, especially in our twenties when we’re struggling and hoping for even a little bit of fortune, opportunity and momentum.  During these times the last thing we often feel is gratitude, but whether we like it or not it is inevitable that you will experience both good times and bad as you find your way through the Quarterlife years.  Keeping an “Attitude of Gratitude” is important in both the good and the bad times because the good moments never last forever and there is always a lesson to learn from the bad.  Every moment is what you make of it, and even as bad as things may seem sometimes, there is probably someone out there who has it worse.  With an “Attitude of Gratitude” you can learn from and appreciate every moment you have and look back at your twenties with a feeling of grateful positivity.

Rule #7: Be Yourself

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

These days in the age of social networking and mass media that is constantly forcing people to conform to particular lifestyles and ideologies, it’s hard to be completely unapologetic about your individuality. Everyone strives to be accepted into their community anyway they can, whatever and wherever it may be.  It’s never a bad thing to want to fit in to your surroundings, but the trouble comes at those times when we sacrifice who we are as an individual in order to fit in.  During the Quarterlife years this can tend to happen more often than not because as we are exploring our identities while we are in our twenties, it can often take a lot of time and effort to feel fully comfortable with who we are as individuals.  This is because we are not as constantly surrounded by a support system as strong as the one we may have had around us growing up like our friends and families that were always nearby.  As you move away from the close community of college and home life, and into what can be, at times, a lonely period of early adulthood, it’s easy to want to conform to the standards of others, whether it’s your co-workers, a new girlfriend or boyfriend, a new roommate, etc.  People always have the urge to want to be accepted by those around them, sometimes at great costs.  In your twenties, when more people with very diverse backgrounds and personalities will come and go in your life than in any other time, it’s more to your benefit to be true to yourself and develop a strong sense of individuality that you can be proud of.

Finding your genuine individuality and being true to your yourself can be a daunting challenge when you’re in your twenties, but doing so is beneficial in ways that aren’t always immediately obvious or clear at first.   Most times we tend to want to conform because we want to fit in and please other people.  This most likely happens with a new group of friends, co-workers or someone you may be currently dating.  In these situations we might not be completely truthful about ourselves, give in to some non-traditional behavior and sacrifice our true personality so that we can be accepted by these new people in our lives.  When this happens what we don’t realize is that it’s really not benefiting us in any positive way.  While we may fit in or be accepted at first, we’re really sacrificing our individuality for THEIR benefit, not ours.  Eventually what you will come to realize is that you’ve sacrificed your individuality so that someone else might be okay with you, and not so that ultimately you’ll be completely okay with yourself.  Also what will happen is that you’ll realize that maybe these people aren’t fun to be around, or don’t complement you in a way that will make you happy to be your true self.  What will happen when you are true to yourself is that the people that do complement you will find you, and vice versa.  You might have to be patient at first, but you’ll find that there are other people out there that share similar qualities and tastes as you and you’ll be more likely to develop deeper bonds with those kinds of friends. 

In our twenties what we tend to forget and what differentiates our lives from our college years is that we get to choose who we surround ourselves with.  No one is forcing you to live with a particular roommate or take classes with the same group of people, or even work at any particular company.  While you might have to put up with a few quirks of a new roommate or a difficult co-worker from time to time, for the most part we get to decide who our friends are and who we do and don’t allow into our lives.  Therefore, it’s important that we choose wisely, and that will always be an easier task if you stay true to who are truly are as an individual. 

The time of Quarterlife is a time to be selfish, to find out what matters to you as an individual and discover what people and things complement that individuality.  If you surround yourself with people who encourage you to be yourself, and truly accept you for who you are then you’ll never have an excuse to pretend to be someone or something that you’re not.  You know in your heart what makes you special as an individual person, so don’t be afraid to express that wholeheartedly.  When you do, you’ll be amazed at how easily the right people and things will come into your life and help you down the right path to happiness and fulfillment.