Growing up, most of us were often subjected to the rules, wisdom, insight and authority of our parents as they supported, sustained and developed us into capable adults. The influence our parents had on us (good or bad) throughout our lives as children and teenagers cannot be denied and will continue to have an influence on us throughout our quarterlife years. As you struggle to form your own adult identity and independence in your twenties, it can be a challenge for both yourself and your parents to balance how their influence will continue to shape you as an individual. While you’re growing up you may be naive in knowing whether or not your parents know what’s really best for you, but when you become an independent twentysomething adult you can make an informed and individual choice about who to be rather than make choices strictly based on what others want for you. Our parents will always want to support us to help us be at our best, but in our twenties it’s ultimately it’s up to ourselves to decide how their influence will help us get the most out of our lives.
Relationships with your parents can be one of the most rocky, emotional and rewarding relationships we have in our lives, sometimes even more in our twenties than in our tumultuous teenage years when we were first struggling to gain any independence from them that we could. It is also a time when we come to understand our parents a little bit more. We gain some of the responsibilities that they carry, so we obtain a new sense of understanding why they are they way they are sometimes and we can sympathize with their adult experiences for the first time. For many Quarterlifers, it’s also the first time when you can face full independence from your parents, in many aspects. It might be the first time you’re living on your own, making your own money that you can support yourself with, or even supporting a family of your own. Along with this new freedom comes a lot of new responsibility and choices. With independence comes bills and rent to pay, groceries to buy, dinner to cook, taxes to file. There are a lot of new challenges you might face and it’s in these times when your parents help and support is always most welcome. When we need a helping hand, our parents will hopefully be the first ones to extend one, so if they do, don’t be afraid to take it. It’s in these times when they do have more wisdom and knowledge from experience than we do, so it’s better to be accepting rather than stubborn. Just make sure to be thank them for the help!
Dealing with your parents during your quarterlife years can also be a struggle because there are often times when they may think they know what’s best for you a little TOO much. A lot of parents have their own vision for what they want us to become when we reach adulthood, and this can be frustrating to deal with sometimes. Your parents might want you to follow a specific career, live in a particular city, and date a certain type of person. More often than not, our own vision for our lives is usually different. We probably want to work a different job, live in a different city and have a different lifestyle than the one that our parents imagine for us and often this can lead to conflict. When it comes to the pressure and stress you might receive from your parents, use your own judgment as to how to deal with it. What’s important to realize is that our parents don’t want us to make the same mistakes that they may have made, or any mistakes for that matter. However, you need to make mistakes in order to discover your own value of right and wrong and know what is best for yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to always reject what your parents advise you to do, but it does mean that you are the only one who ultimately makes the choice. Our parents only want the best for us, so value their advice. You don’t always have to follow it because at the end of the day only you know what’s best for yourself. In the end, no matter what choice you make, they’ll always be there to support you. If you make a decision based on fear of what someone else might think, then that’s always the wrong one.
It’s also important to keep in mind that our parents are of a different generation, and they probably didn’t have it as easy (or as hard) and twentysomethings have it these days. Most of our parents and adults of former generations got married younger, started families earlier, stayed with jobs longer and might not have had the freedom to pursue passions or careers that many young people do these days. Our parents have made a lot of sacrifices for us, but instead of feeling pressured to honor those sacrifices by being what they may want you to become, take advantage of those sacrifices by being what YOU want to become. When that happens, it will reward every sacrifice your parents have ever made for you, and both you and your parents will see that in the end.
When we enter independent adulthood in our twenties, which usually involves breaking away from our parents in a multitude of ways (financially, residentially, influentially, etc), it can be a liberating and also scary experience. There will be many times when we want the comfort of their support and guidance, and all we can hope is that it will be there whenever and wherever we need it. However, it’s also a time when you must embrace the influence that your parents had on you throughout your formative years, and use it to formulate a version of yourself that both your parents and you as an individual can be proud of. It may lead to some disagreements and conflicts at times, but the best way to honor your parents is to honor the best version of yourself that they helped you become.
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