Part of being a twentysomething involves exploring relationships and finding the friends and partners that you hope will not only remain lifelong companions, but also help you grow as an individual. For some people this means searching for their “soulmate”, or the one person that is perfect for them in each and every way and will bring true fulfillment to them for the rest of their life. While this person may exist and may be waiting right around the corner, oftentimes the search can cause unhappiness and stress when they don’t come when you expect or want them. In our Quarterlife years, as we are experiencing so many different things that constantly change and shape our individuality, it’s not really worth it to stress about finding the “perfect person” to be with. The truth is, no one is perfect, so it can be a long time before you find a person who is. Instead, work on making yourself as perfect a person as you are happy being, and then you’ll find the right person or people will appear in your life without much effort. If you focus on building relationships with people who match up with the various parts of your individuality, then you’ll find that they will not only help build and strengthen those parts, but also help you to discover new aspects of yourself that will also help you grow. Instead of looking for your “soulmate,” find friends and partners who will be your “selfmates,” or the people who will help you become the true person you want and hope to be.
Looking for your “selfmate” can actually be a pretty easy process once you know the kinds of people to look for. Start off by finding people that best match up to your values. You may not have all of the same interests, but if you have the same values, you’ll be more accepting of one another, and appreciate each other on a deeper level. If you value variety, for example, you’ll probably get along best with friends who like to do something different each weekend, rather than just have the same routine every Saturday night. If you value family, you’ll most likely get along better with other people who also value family and are close with their parents and siblings. If you have friends and partners that hold the same values as you do, then you’ll probably find yourself more accepting of their different interests, and might even come to appreciate them as interests of your own. It’s also important to keep in mind that as you grow as an individual, so will your values. And as you and your values change, so will your friends. You may value one thing today and a different thing tomorrow, and you’ll find that the company you keep will look different as your values change. If you stay aware of this, and surround yourself with the people who complement your values as they change, then eventually it will become easier to find the people who are the best match for you as an individual.
Finding your “selfmates” and not your “soulmates” also means staying true to who you are as in individual. This not only means staying true to your values, but also keeping true to your likes and dislikes. Stay engaged in activities and hobbies that keep you interested. Join or start clubs or organizations. One great resource to find some organizations or groups that may align with your interests is Meetup.com, where you can find plenty of other people in your local area who share the same interests and are looking for other people to share them with. Finding friends, partners and new relationships takes some proactivity and effort, but if you start by engaging in your own interests on a more social level, you’ll find that there’s an abundance of other people who have a lot in common with you.
Finally, finding your “selfmates” includes being open to people who you might not expect to become friends with or enjoy spending time with. Again, everyone has their flaws and if you come to accept the people around you for who they are, good and bad, the more you might find that they complement your own strengths and weaknesses. Don’t feel like you have to give up who you are or what you are interested in just to please anyone else, and don’t expect others to do the same. Even though someone may seem perfect in your eyes, if the only way that they will remain interested in you is if you change who you are, then you’re guaranteed to be unhappy in that relationship. It also goes the other way: if you expect others to remain perfect as you want them to be then it will often lead to resentment and disappointment from both people in the relationship. The more open, accepting and understanding you are of the people you form close relationships with, the deeper that relationship will become and you’ll see that they will appreciate you even more, as well.
All of us hope to one day find someone that we can share the rest of our lives with, along with our hopes and dreams. However, not one of us can ever be sure when that person will eventually appear in our lives. For Quarterlifers still in a young stage of life, there’s a lot of time to not only find your soulmate, but also time to explore your own life and your own hopes and dreams. In your twentysomething years, remember to focus on developing who you are as an individual, and to surround yourself with people who will help you grow more confident in that individuality. If you focus on finding your “selfmates” instead of your “soulmates,” then you’ll find that you have more than just one person around you that will make your life as fulfilling as you want it to be.
Looking for your “selfmate” can actually be a pretty easy process once you know the kinds of people to look for. Start off by finding people that best match up to your values. You may not have all of the same interests, but if you have the same values, you’ll be more accepting of one another, and appreciate each other on a deeper level. If you value variety, for example, you’ll probably get along best with friends who like to do something different each weekend, rather than just have the same routine every Saturday night. If you value family, you’ll most likely get along better with other people who also value family and are close with their parents and siblings. If you have friends and partners that hold the same values as you do, then you’ll probably find yourself more accepting of their different interests, and might even come to appreciate them as interests of your own. It’s also important to keep in mind that as you grow as an individual, so will your values. And as you and your values change, so will your friends. You may value one thing today and a different thing tomorrow, and you’ll find that the company you keep will look different as your values change. If you stay aware of this, and surround yourself with the people who complement your values as they change, then eventually it will become easier to find the people who are the best match for you as an individual.
Finding your “selfmates” and not your “soulmates” also means staying true to who you are as in individual. This not only means staying true to your values, but also keeping true to your likes and dislikes. Stay engaged in activities and hobbies that keep you interested. Join or start clubs or organizations. One great resource to find some organizations or groups that may align with your interests is Meetup.com, where you can find plenty of other people in your local area who share the same interests and are looking for other people to share them with. Finding friends, partners and new relationships takes some proactivity and effort, but if you start by engaging in your own interests on a more social level, you’ll find that there’s an abundance of other people who have a lot in common with you.
Finally, finding your “selfmates” includes being open to people who you might not expect to become friends with or enjoy spending time with. Again, everyone has their flaws and if you come to accept the people around you for who they are, good and bad, the more you might find that they complement your own strengths and weaknesses. Don’t feel like you have to give up who you are or what you are interested in just to please anyone else, and don’t expect others to do the same. Even though someone may seem perfect in your eyes, if the only way that they will remain interested in you is if you change who you are, then you’re guaranteed to be unhappy in that relationship. It also goes the other way: if you expect others to remain perfect as you want them to be then it will often lead to resentment and disappointment from both people in the relationship. The more open, accepting and understanding you are of the people you form close relationships with, the deeper that relationship will become and you’ll see that they will appreciate you even more, as well.
All of us hope to one day find someone that we can share the rest of our lives with, along with our hopes and dreams. However, not one of us can ever be sure when that person will eventually appear in our lives. For Quarterlifers still in a young stage of life, there’s a lot of time to not only find your soulmate, but also time to explore your own life and your own hopes and dreams. In your twentysomething years, remember to focus on developing who you are as an individual, and to surround yourself with people who will help you grow more confident in that individuality. If you focus on finding your “selfmates” instead of your “soulmates,” then you’ll find that you have more than just one person around you that will make your life as fulfilling as you want it to be.
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