Rule #15: Don't Settle

There might come a moment when you look around and take stock of what you have around you.  A steady job and paycheck that might not be as fulfilling as you had hoped but lets you afford a decent social life, a living space that might not be perfect but it’s a place to call home, a girlfriend/boyfriend that’s a great companion but you’re not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.  You’ve overcome a lot of challenges to get what you have and to be where you are so far and even though you might not be completely fulfilled, you’re likely to say to yourself “well, it could be worse.”  As long as you have the paycheck, the apartment and the companion, you tell yourself that it’s better to have them than to not, even if they’re not ideal.  However, as a twentysomething just getting started in your adult life, there is no reason why you should have to settle for anything in your life.  It is a struggle to gain security and contentment in life sometimes, but when you are in your twenties and have so many years ahead to find true fulfillment, it’s not worth it to settle for “just okay” at this point in your life.  It’s great to remain positive and grateful for what you do have, but keep striving to reach even higher and to not settle for anything less than what you believe you can achieve for yourself.

Currently, we’re living in a “be fortunate for what you have” society.  The economy isn’t at it’s strongest, unemployment is high and sometimes it doesn’t seem like there’s too much optimism around.  While some of these aspects have affected today’s Quarterlifers, there is no reason why it should bring down any hope for change in the future, and should not encourage any twentysomething to settle for what they know in their hearts isn’t what they want for the rest of their lives.  With some of the harsh realities that our society is currently facing, it just means that you have to get a bit more creative to find your path to happiness.  For example, you may have to stick it out at your job for a little while more, but find ways to pursue your other dreams when you can.  If you want to be a writer, you may have to sacrifice some of your free time to devote to writing.  If you want to get a new car, you might have to be more disciplined in saving a few more dollars here and there.  If you want to start a small business, do whatever reading and planning you have to when you can and start it on the side.  Just because your current circumstances might not allow you to fully pursue what you want right now, no one says you can’t find a way to work towards your dreams in the present moment.  With just some discipline and patience, little by little you can find a way.

How can you tell if you might be settling for something in your life?  Just listen to what your heart is telling you.  There are so many aspects of your life where people will be telling you what’s right and what’s wrong and what you should and shouldn’t accept in your life.  Only you will know in your heart if you are settling for something you know you shouldn’t.  If there is a situation where you feel that it’s not quite right, listen to that instinct.  Don’t feel guilty about exploring options, trying something new or pushing yourself further than you think you can.  Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a career, in any area of life that requires total commitment and devotion it’s never worth giving in to or settling for a situation that doesn’t have the potential to be something your heart truly desires.  No one else can tell you what your life should be so anything less than what makes you happy and fulfilled is only settling for what others are telling you is right.  If you are aware of what your emotions are telling you, then you’ll know how to push yourself above settling and towards the fulfillment you desire in any aspect of your life.

Everyone has dreams, but sometimes it’s easy to slip into comfort and contentment and settle for less that what we ultimately strive for.  Sometimes our fears of losing what we have can distract us from what we can potentially achieve.  You shouldn’t feel like you have to change your whole life overnight if it’s not ultimately what you want, but as a twentysomething with a long future ahead it’s not the time of life to accept all that you have as all that you are going to get or can get without motivation and effort.  Of course there are times when you’ll have to make some sacrifices, but if you keep working towards your dreams and your goals you’ll find that those sacrifices will be worth not settling for less than your highest ambitions.  If you listen to your heart and strive past settling, then you’ll find that there is so much more you can have to be fortunate for than what you have right now.

Rule #14: Break The Rules

On a blog about rules, I understand the irony of including a rule that says “Break the Rules.”  However, as the common saying goes, “Rules are meant to be broken,” and for the current generation of twentysomethings, the rules of the past are consistently and rapidly being rewritten.  It’s those individuals who are pushing the boundaries and breaking the rules that are moving society forward as well as achieving their own personal goals and dreams.  It is in our Quarterlife years when we should be pushing ourselves to our highest personal standards by testing the limits in front of us.  If you break the rules every once in a while, you’ll find that the bar that you and those around you have set for you isn’t high enough and you’ll help yourself reach higher limits and goals than you ever thought was possible.

For today’s generation of twentysomethings, nothing is the same as it was for former generations.  The world is smaller, everything moves at a quicker pace, and the possibilities in front of us seem more endless than they ever were for former generations.  The struggle that both our young generation and the ones before us face is that the rules, expectations and standards are completely different than they were for our parents and older generations, and sometimes this can lead to tension between twentysomethings and our parents, teachers, bosses and role models.  For Quarterlifers today, the rules of the past- graduate college (if you’re lucky), get a job and stay at it for a long time, maybe get married young and have a family- seem like odd notions that don’t make sense to a generation that has more freedom to explore their lives before “settling down” than any other. 

Our generation was brought up to believe that the future was open to be whatever we wanted it to be.  In a way, we were taught to believe we could make our own rules and standards for our lives and break the ones that others before us had to follow.  In this spirit, take advantage of the freedom and opportunities that you are fortunate to have as a twentysomething in this day and age.  Break the rules of the past and create your own rules to live by that make sense for you as an individual.  In the end, you are your only judge, so the rules you make for yourself are the ones that you know will help lead you to where YOU want to be in your life.  Part of breaking the rules means that you are following your own heart, and if you let your heart and your instincts guide you, then you really can’t go wrong. 

Twentysomethings today are already part of a generation that’s breaking the rules.  If you look at the founding of Facebook and the utilization of technology and social media, you can see our generation changing the way that we communicate, discover and learn.  Take inspiration from this when you make a habit to “break the rules” in your everyday life.  Learn to think outside the box and find new ways to approach challenges.  Take more initiative at your school, in your office and in your free time.  Start new projects, finish uncompleted ones, and begin working towards your long held goals and dreams.  The only way that you’ll see your projects, goals and dreams to fulfillment is if you take risks and chances and break the rules every once in a while.  Every great accomplishment starts with someone questioning the status quo and breaking the rules that everyone else followed before them.  When you take a risk and do things differently every now and then, you create the rules that you want to follow for your own life, and even create the possibility to rewrite the rules for everyone else.  The only way to reach your goals is if you set the path, focus on the destination, and make the rules to follow to help you get there.

As a twentysomething in today’s world, you have the opportunity and the freedom to expand your horizons and push further beyond your boundaries than any other generation before.  While our parents, teachers and bosses have gratefully worked and sacrificed to give us the advantages that we have, it does not mean that you should always follow the rules, expectations and standards that they have set before us.  As you develop your own individuality, you should learn to test your limits often, which includes breaking the rules that your parents and other authority figures have expected you to follow.  Part of exploring and developing your true self involves discovering your own rules to live by, and it’s not always an easy process to break away from those who helped you clear your path.  It takes courage to break the rules, but if you take a chance every now and then, then you will see that you sometimes have to take a risk to make your world what you truly want it to be.

Rule #13: Find Your Selfmates, Not Your Soulmates

Part of being a twentysomething involves exploring relationships and finding the friends and partners that you hope will not only remain lifelong companions, but also help you grow as an individual.  For some people this means searching for their “soulmate”, or the one person that is perfect for them in each and every way and will bring true fulfillment to them for the rest of their life.  While this person may exist and may be waiting right around the corner, oftentimes the search can cause unhappiness and stress when they don’t come when you expect or want them.  In our Quarterlife years, as we are experiencing so many different things that constantly change and shape our individuality, it’s not really worth it to stress about finding the “perfect person” to be with.  The truth is, no one is perfect, so it can be a long time before you find a person who is.  Instead, work on making yourself as perfect a person as you are happy being, and then you’ll find the right person or people will appear in your life without much effort.  If you focus on building relationships with people who match up with the various parts of your individuality, then you’ll find that they will not only help build and strengthen those parts, but also help you to discover new aspects of yourself that will also help you grow.  Instead of looking for your “soulmate,” find friends and partners who will be your “selfmates,” or the people who will help you become the true person you want and hope to be.

Looking for your “selfmate” can actually be a pretty easy process once you know the kinds of people to look for.  Start off by finding people that best match up to your values.  You may not have all of the same interests, but if you have the same values, you’ll be more accepting of one another, and appreciate each other on a deeper level.  If you value variety, for example, you’ll probably get along best with friends who like to do something different each weekend, rather than just have the same routine every Saturday night.  If you value family, you’ll most likely get along better with other people who also value family and are close with their parents and siblings.  If you have friends and partners that hold the same values as you do, then you’ll probably find yourself more accepting of their different interests, and might even come to appreciate them as interests of your own.  It’s also important to keep in mind that as you grow as an individual, so will your values.  And as you and your values change, so will your friends.  You may value one thing today and a different thing tomorrow, and you’ll find that the company you keep will look different as your values change.  If you stay aware of this, and surround yourself with the people who complement your values as they change, then eventually it will become easier to find the people who are the best match for you as an individual. 

Finding your “selfmates” and not your “soulmates” also means staying true to who you are as in individual.  This not only means staying true to your values, but also keeping true to your likes and dislikes.  Stay engaged in activities and hobbies that keep you interested.  Join or start clubs or organizations.  One great resource to find some organizations or groups that may align with your interests is Meetup.com, where you can find plenty of other people in your local area who share the same interests and are looking for other people to share them with.  Finding friends, partners and new relationships takes some proactivity and effort, but if you start by engaging in your own interests on a more social level, you’ll find that there’s an abundance of other people who have a lot in common with you.

Finally, finding your “selfmates” includes being open to people who you might not expect to become friends with or enjoy spending time with.  Again, everyone has their flaws and if you come to accept the people around you for who they are, good and bad, the more you might find that they complement your own strengths and weaknesses.  Don’t feel like you have to give up who you are or what you are interested in just to please anyone else, and don’t expect others to do the same.  Even though someone may seem perfect in your eyes, if the only way that they will remain interested in you is if you change who you are, then you’re guaranteed to be unhappy in that relationship.  It also goes the other way: if you expect others to remain perfect as you want them to be then it will often lead to resentment and disappointment from both people in the relationship.  The more open, accepting and understanding you are of the people you form close relationships with, the deeper that relationship will become and you’ll see that they will appreciate you even more, as well.

All of us hope to one day find someone that we can share the rest of our lives with, along with our hopes and dreams.  However, not one of us can ever be sure when that person will eventually appear in our lives.  For Quarterlifers still in a young stage of life, there’s a lot of time to not only find your soulmate, but also time to explore your own life and your own hopes and dreams.  In your twentysomething years, remember to focus on developing who you are as an individual, and to surround yourself with people who will help you grow more confident in that individuality.  If you focus on finding your “selfmates” instead of your “soulmates,” then you’ll find that you have more than just one person around you that will make your life as fulfilling as you want it to be.