Rule #9: Focus on Relationships (Part 2- Types of Relationships To Focus On)

(Don't forget to check out Rule #9 Part 11!)

It can be argued that learning to form good relationships can be the most important thing you do for yourself when you are in your twenties.  Last week I focused on why building strong relationships is a significant rule during your Quarterlife years.  Not only is it important for those around you, but it is also important if you want to focus on being the best individual that you can be.  Learning how to build a solid relationship with the people around you will not only make your life a lot more pleasant and enjoyable, but from those relationships you will also learn a lot of lessons that will teach you a lot about yourself and how you can successfully develop good relationships in all aspects of your life.

There are many different types of relationships that are defined in your twenties, and it is important to learn what you can from each type.  For most twentysomethings, the most mentally and emotionally consuming (and usually stressful) of these types of relationships are our romantic relationships.  In these relationships, it’s important to find out who and what we like in a person but also to see what we ourselves are like in a romantic relationship.  Dating and developing romantic relationships in your twenties is fun, wonderful and enlightening, but also at times a frustrating, scary and heartbreaking experience.  Yet if you are conscious to learn from all of your trials and tribulations in the dating world, good and bad, you will find out what type of person complements you best and also how you can best succeed in a relationship with a significant other.  It may be difficult to move on from some romantic relationships, but there is always something to be learned about yourself that will make you stronger in the long term.  Most twentysomethings want to end up with the right person (if they plan to eventually get married), so learning how to form strong romantic relationships is especially important to learn and focus on.

Another important type of relationship that is key for twentysomethings to cultivate are professional relationships.  A majority of people in their twenties are entering the working world for the first time, and meeting a lot of professionals, young and old, experienced and inexperienced.  Developing strong relationships with professional contacts can be beneficial to anyone in their twenties for many reasons.  Not only can you develop strong friendships with your co-workers, but you can also build a strong professional network that can guide you along your own career path.  Get to know as many of your co-workers individually as you can.  The ones with experience can share with you their own path and teach you about their experiences, mistakes and successes in the working world.  The ones with less experience can share with you their frustrations and accomplishments in navigating the working world for the first few years as you are.   Creating strong relationships with co-workers and your bosses can also help to find a mentor who can personally guide you through your professional path and provide support whenever you need it.  Even if you don’t plan on continuing with the career you might be currently working in, it’s still advantageous to have good relationships with your former and current co-workers because they can often provide good professional advice and support no matter what industry or career path you may choose.

Along with dealing with romantic and professional relationships in your twenties, it is also a great time to focus on and develop a stronger relationship with your family.  There is a common saying that goes “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”  In our younger years, not every relationship with our parents or siblings was always calm or satisfying.  When we are younger, we are usually struggling to develop our own individuality as our family members are trying to have just as much influence on the individuals we will become, which often leads to clash and conflict.  As we enter into our twenties and further towards adulthood, we become more sensible as adults and can use this time to develop stronger relationships with our family.  We start to see our parents less as overprotective authority figures and can sympathize with them as adults as we begin to share some of the same daily struggles and frustrations that they have encountered for many more years than we have.  If you have solid relationships with your family members, then when you encounter your most difficult moments in your twenties you will always find unconditional support and love to get you through the hard times.  When you break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, lose a job, or have trouble finding your way, it’s your family that will always be there to help you out.  You may not always find that they will give you the wisest or welcome advice, but from them you will certainly find the emotional support that will carry you through any setback.  It’s that emotional support from your family that you won’t get from anyone else in your life, so it’s important to focus on your relationships with your family so that you can always know when to draw on them for the support you need to get you through this unique time of life.

During our Quarterlife years as we are building a deeper relationship with ourselves, it is important to be mindful that we can’t do it alone.  While it is important to create a strong sense of individuality, it is just as important to develop strong relationships with the people around you who can help in your growth as an individual and also make the journey just as rewarding.  With each relationship you enter into, good and bad, there is always something to be learned about yourself and about how you can create even stronger relationships with others.  If you really work to form strong emotional, professional and supportive relationships with the people around you, you will find even greater fulfillment in every other success you gain in your twenties.

Rule #9: Focus on Relationships (Part 1- Why Build Strong Relationships)

It is often said, “No man is an island.”  Meaning, no matter where we go in our lives we will always be surrounded by other people and can never be able to get by exclusively on our own.  Never in our adult lives is this truer than when we are in our twenties.  While it is the first time for many of us when we are often truly on our own, it is also the time when our strongest and deepest relationships with the people around us should and will be formed.  Developing strong relationships with those around us will not only make our lives more fulfilling and complete but will also help to strengthen, define and develop our own individuality.

In our twenties we are always striving to surround ourselves with things to fulfill and define us like a great job, nice place to live, a good car, etc.  A lot of twentysomethings tend to believe that once they are materially secure then the important and fulfilling relationships with friends, family and significant others will follow.  While pursuing individual fulfillment and success, we sometimes neglect to understand that it is our experiences and relationships with the people around us that make everything else in our lives fulfilling.  What is a new job or promotion worth if you don’t get along with your boss or co-workers?  What is a new degree worth if you don’t have a good relationship with your parents to share your pride of getting it with them?  What is a great new apartment or home worth if you don’t have friends to enjoy it with?  If we have strong relationships surrounding us, then all that we work hard to achieve will be fulfilling not only to ourselves but also those closest to us, as well.

Good relationships will also build a strong support system encouraging us as we pursue the success we strive for.  In our twenties we are working so hard to achieve financial, professional and material success that we don’t often realize how quickly that can all change, or even in the worst cases, disappear.  When you do fall, you will be thankful for the people around you that will always come to support you in time of need.  It is in these times when the people we have the closest relationships with will help us rebound even stronger than we were before.

During our Quarterlife years, when we are first trying to figure out a lot of things on our own, we sometimes think that we have the answers to all of our problems, or at least the confidence and the will-power to figure them out ourselves.  While this may be a positive mindset and prove to be true in some situations, what we tend to ignore sometimes is that we are constantly surrounded by people who have probably faced and conquered the same problems at one time in their own lives.  Most of the time, these people are the ones we are closest to in our lives, like our family members, co-workers and other friends.  If you have a strong network of relationships around you, then you will be even more confident in yourself to know when you can face your problems on your own, and when you need to rely on your support system around you.   

Even though we hope that we will always have the courage to face all of the problems in our twentysomething years individually as much as possible, there are also times when we can get quite needy as well, but are usually afraid to call upon our friends or relatives in these times of need for fear of rejection, looking weak, and other reasons that probably aren’t sensible.  It is in these times of need when you will find that the strong relationships you develop will be the most ready, willing, and able to help you get through those difficult times.  If your relationship is strong enough, it won’t even be difficult to call upon them for help because you’ll be confident enough in them to help you when you need it, and they’ll most likely sense that you need someone to rely on anyway.

There are a multitude of reasons why building the strongest relationships possible in our twenties is important.  Good relationships with the people around you will help bring out the best in you, and also help you get through the times when you are at your worst.  There are many kinds of people you will form relationships with when you are in your twenties, and different types of relationships that are important to focus on and to learn from.  Each type of relationship, and every person you form a relationship with will be a great learning experience, which I’ll discuss in my next post.   So please check back in next week when I’ll continue with Rule #9 and continue discussing how to “Focus on Relationships.” 

Rule #8: Have an "Attitude of Gratitude"

For most twentysomethings, it can often feel like there is a lack of pretty much everything: money to spend, an abundance of good friends close by, an easy or fulfilling job, a large and clean apartment along with decent roommates, not to mention a steady or stable relationship.  For every typical twentysomething a few years removed from college there will always be at least one area of their lives that will lead to asking of the question, “Is This All There Is?”  Sometimes it can seem like so much is going wrong in many areas of life, that it’s really hard to see the positive in anything, and especially to be grateful for all that you have in your life right now.  However, what we often tend to forget is that our own world around us is all based upon how we perceive it.  If you think about all of the negative stuff around you, then your world will feel pretty rough.  If you take the good from the bad and have an “Attitude of Gratitude,” then you’ll be guaranteed to have a more positive feeling about what you DO have, instead of what you’re lacking in your life.

The truth is, sometimes there are a lot of things in our current lives that are out of our control.  Maybe you just suffered an unexpected breakup, or you don’t have enough money to go out with friends on a Friday night, or your boss is too demanding, or your rent just got raised and you might need to move.  When you are faced with these uncontrollable situations, it’s easy to look at the negative side or to react in a way that’s anything but positive.  Yet, if you take an “Attitude of Gratitude” you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can turn a negative situation into a positive one.  With a breakup, be grateful that you had the time with that person and that you can find someone who will appreciate you even more.  If you’re not in a great financial situation, be grateful that you have the opportunity to learn how to be responsible with your money.  If you’re boss is too demanding, be grateful that they are trying to push you to be a better worker or make you realize your limits as their employee.  If you’re rent is raised and you need to move, be grateful that you have an opportunity to find a new place that might be even better than the place you’re living now.  While it may seem hard to believe at times, for every situation there is always something to be grateful for if you look hard enough.

Although it is more difficult to be grateful during times that are tough, it’s also important to have an “Attitude of Gratitude” in times that are good, too.  Whenever you are fortunate to have something good happen in your life, be grateful for it and enjoy it as fully as you can.  For some of these good moments, they may be one of the few times they may happen.  Also remember to be grateful for those who help you in those good times.  Even just remembering to say “thank you” more often will make a world of difference to yourself and those around you who are supporting you in the good times and the bad.  Think about the times when you’ve done a good deed or done something helpful for someone else.  If they’ve expressed their gratitude or even just said a simple “thank you,” it’s made you feel pretty good, right?  If you are more thankful to others and appreciate their thanks as well, you’ll feel proud about helping out your friend or neighbor and will be more motivated to help them and others out in the future. 

At times it may seem like everyone and everything in the universe is conspiring against us, especially in our twenties when we’re struggling and hoping for even a little bit of fortune, opportunity and momentum.  During these times the last thing we often feel is gratitude, but whether we like it or not it is inevitable that you will experience both good times and bad as you find your way through the Quarterlife years.  Keeping an “Attitude of Gratitude” is important in both the good and the bad times because the good moments never last forever and there is always a lesson to learn from the bad.  Every moment is what you make of it, and even as bad as things may seem sometimes, there is probably someone out there who has it worse.  With an “Attitude of Gratitude” you can learn from and appreciate every moment you have and look back at your twenties with a feeling of grateful positivity.

Rule #7: Be Yourself

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

These days in the age of social networking and mass media that is constantly forcing people to conform to particular lifestyles and ideologies, it’s hard to be completely unapologetic about your individuality. Everyone strives to be accepted into their community anyway they can, whatever and wherever it may be.  It’s never a bad thing to want to fit in to your surroundings, but the trouble comes at those times when we sacrifice who we are as an individual in order to fit in.  During the Quarterlife years this can tend to happen more often than not because as we are exploring our identities while we are in our twenties, it can often take a lot of time and effort to feel fully comfortable with who we are as individuals.  This is because we are not as constantly surrounded by a support system as strong as the one we may have had around us growing up like our friends and families that were always nearby.  As you move away from the close community of college and home life, and into what can be, at times, a lonely period of early adulthood, it’s easy to want to conform to the standards of others, whether it’s your co-workers, a new girlfriend or boyfriend, a new roommate, etc.  People always have the urge to want to be accepted by those around them, sometimes at great costs.  In your twenties, when more people with very diverse backgrounds and personalities will come and go in your life than in any other time, it’s more to your benefit to be true to yourself and develop a strong sense of individuality that you can be proud of.

Finding your genuine individuality and being true to your yourself can be a daunting challenge when you’re in your twenties, but doing so is beneficial in ways that aren’t always immediately obvious or clear at first.   Most times we tend to want to conform because we want to fit in and please other people.  This most likely happens with a new group of friends, co-workers or someone you may be currently dating.  In these situations we might not be completely truthful about ourselves, give in to some non-traditional behavior and sacrifice our true personality so that we can be accepted by these new people in our lives.  When this happens what we don’t realize is that it’s really not benefiting us in any positive way.  While we may fit in or be accepted at first, we’re really sacrificing our individuality for THEIR benefit, not ours.  Eventually what you will come to realize is that you’ve sacrificed your individuality so that someone else might be okay with you, and not so that ultimately you’ll be completely okay with yourself.  Also what will happen is that you’ll realize that maybe these people aren’t fun to be around, or don’t complement you in a way that will make you happy to be your true self.  What will happen when you are true to yourself is that the people that do complement you will find you, and vice versa.  You might have to be patient at first, but you’ll find that there are other people out there that share similar qualities and tastes as you and you’ll be more likely to develop deeper bonds with those kinds of friends. 

In our twenties what we tend to forget and what differentiates our lives from our college years is that we get to choose who we surround ourselves with.  No one is forcing you to live with a particular roommate or take classes with the same group of people, or even work at any particular company.  While you might have to put up with a few quirks of a new roommate or a difficult co-worker from time to time, for the most part we get to decide who our friends are and who we do and don’t allow into our lives.  Therefore, it’s important that we choose wisely, and that will always be an easier task if you stay true to who are truly are as an individual. 

The time of Quarterlife is a time to be selfish, to find out what matters to you as an individual and discover what people and things complement that individuality.  If you surround yourself with people who encourage you to be yourself, and truly accept you for who you are then you’ll never have an excuse to pretend to be someone or something that you’re not.  You know in your heart what makes you special as an individual person, so don’t be afraid to express that wholeheartedly.  When you do, you’ll be amazed at how easily the right people and things will come into your life and help you down the right path to happiness and fulfillment.

Rule #6: Continue Your Education

“The truth is that school does little more than to put one in the way of learning how to acquire personal knowledge.”- Napoleon Hill

A lot of people tend to believe that once they leave college, or any formal classroom setting, and go out into the “real world” that their education has completed.  While it may be true that your formal education might be completed, education of oneself should never stop when you leave a classroom.  The first few years after graduation are when some of your most important life education begins, and unfortunately I think there are many twentysomethings that are not encouraged to engage in the active development and pursuit of this education that is so vital for the years ahead.  Whether it’s pursuing a new hobby, interest, or a career, it’s important to always challenge yourself by opening up to new ideas and knowledge that can help lead you on the right path to fulfillment and success.  There are many ways to pursue further education after you leave the classroom, both formal and informal.  Here are just a few of the ways you can always find more knowledge for further self-improvement:

Learn from Life Experience:

Just because you graduate college doesn’t mean that education stops once you get your degree.  In fact, it’s really just the beginning.  Use the first few years after graduation as a learning experience.  Know that these are the best years to make mistakes and learn from them.  After each good or bad experience, evaluate the lessons you’ve learned from each one and use it as a model for self improvement for the next try.  For most people who attend college, the experience is not just about preparing you for the work force, or to be knowledgeable about one particular subject, but it’s also a time to prepare you for the life experiences you will encounter as you embark on your own life.  If you are self-aware enough about your own experiences, you will learn that each one can teach you a lesson about how to improve yourself in the future.

Always Keep Reading:

In a shocking statistic from parapublishing.com, 42% of college graduates never read another book after college.  Although we constantly heard the message from our high school English teachers, it really is important to read newspapers, books, and the internet.  Read anything so as to expose yourself to new possibilities and curiosities, and it will also keep you current about what’s going on in the world.  Not only will this make you more interesting at parties, but it will expose yourself to things you might find interesting, and also topics and subjects you may or may not have been aware that you were interested in. 

At the bookstore, go to different sections and check out new books.  Or just make it a habit to hang out in a bookstore in a regular basis.  I know every time I go into a bookstore, I go to the same 3 or 4 sections.  Every time I find a few new books that I’d be really interested to read.  I call it the Bookstore Compass.  Also feel free to check out a new section every once in a while and see what might catch your eye.

Another good way to find books that might appeal to you is to check out Amazon.com.  If you do most of your book shopping there, they’ll give you some good suggestions for other books you might like.  Or even when you just browse for books online, you can find ones that are similar to your tastes that might appeal to you.  Usually if you like one particular book, there are many many more that you’d probably enjoy as well.  It’s important to remember that when you’re out of school, you no longer are required to read books for classes, so take the opportunity to read whatever interests you.  I know when I was in school there were a lot of books I dreaded reading, and always said “well, I’d be more interested to read something if it was a book I wanted to read.”  Well, unless you’re studying for a higher degree, there’s no excuse not to pick up that book you’ve always wanted to read right now!

Take Classes:

Similar to not having to read specific books for classes when you’re in college, you also have the freedom to explore new subjects and classes you might have always been interested in.  Taking classes doesn’t mean you necessarily need to make a huge time and monetary commitment and go back to grad school for a whole degree. Don’t go to grad school for the sake of going back to school.  Grad school should only be a path to pursue only if you are sure of what you want to specialize in for a career.  It’s expensive, difficult and time consuming. Take a course at a local community college or extension school.  If you ask around, you might even be able to get a class paid for by work or other organizations.  Some companies will pay for extension classes, and a lot of classes are online, so they don’t take as much time and effort outside of your other work/social activities.  Maybe you want to take a cooking class, or an art class, or a class on how to teach ESL.  Taking classes gives you great hands on experience with new interests that might open up to a new passion or a career.  And it’s a great way to meet some experts who can give you a first-hand perspective on that particular field.

When you’re in your twenties, it’s a time to explore new paths and opportunities, but part of that takes effort and opening yourself up to new knowledge about your own life experiences and the world around you.  The more knowledgable you are about yourself and the world around you, the easier it will be to make informed and educated decisions about where you want to go and what roads you want to travel.